SleepingPlanet

[ring-ring ring-ring]

Me: hello?

Mum: Hello son, its your Mum calling

Me: Mum? Its 8pm here..

Mum: I know, its ten to nine in the morning over here, I’m just getting ready for work and thought I would give you a quick call

Me: I see.

Mum: I’ve been trying to call you but you’re never in, I wish you’d use an answer phone

Me: I use email mum, I built you a computer. You went on a course. I’m on email all the time.

Mum: Yes, well I can’t do computers you know that

Me: No I, um, erm ok…what can I do for you?

Mum: I rang to get the details of the flight for when I fly out to see you, I have none of the details

Me: I emailed the details to you…AND to your offspring that doesn’t live in another hemisphere to you.

Mum: I know, she is going to print them out for me later today

Me: …I see, but you decided to call because?...

Mum: I want to know the details of the flight

Me: ..right ok. have you got a pen?

Mum: Yes

[many details later, including such details as “no, it’s the time difference Mum, your flights are the same length each way, but the time difference changes direction, no the time, not the plane, no, yes, yes ok you must be right: the plane flies much quicker on the way back because of winds.” And “no the booking reference starts with an ‘N’ for November, not an ‘N’ for Mum arrrrrrrrrrrrgh!”.]

Mum: Ok then, I’m going send you a list of liquids I need...

Me: What?

Mum: Well Joan, you know Joan?

Me: I haven't been in your country for 5 years, I don’t know Joan.

Mum: Oh yes you do, I met her 4 years ago, you must know Joan, well Joan she says you aren’t allowed to carry any liquids on the plane anymore and…

Me: You are allowed liquids, just not in you hand luggage.

Mum: But what about my bath oil?

Me: I don’t have a bath.

Mum: What do you mean you don’t have a bath? Everyone has a bath, you must have a bath.

Me: No really, I’ve checked. I don’t have a bath mum.

Mum: What did you do to it?

Me: I didn’t do anything to it. My house did not come with a bath, it’s a small bathroom, it has a big shower instead…

Mum: But I don’t like showers

Me: …that may be true. I guess I’m lucky that I do because I DON’T HAVE A BATH.

Mum: Don’t take that tone with me.

Me: Right sorry, ok, anyway: you are allowed to take liquids, even bath oil, in you luggage.

Mum: But it will leak

Me: Wrap it up properly and put it in plastic bags in the centre of your suitcase so it is protected.

Mum: No, I’ll just post you this list and you can buy me them ready for when I arrive…

Me: Wha..

Mum: And It’s taken me years to find all the ones I like, so you have to get my brand. They aren’t expensive, I like Tescos Bath oil and…

Me: They don’t have Tescos here Mum

Mum: Have you looked?

Me: What? Yes, they don’t have Tescos here.

Mum: Well you’ll just have to find one

Me: What?

Mum: Wilkinsons, sainsburys?

Me: No, no.

Mum: Are you sure?

Me: Well it’s a big country…perhaps there might be one hiding on the other side of the continent that…YES of course I’m sure!

Mum: There’s no need to be sarcastic

Me: Sorry mum. Can’t we just buy them when you arrive?

Mum: I don’t want to spend all of my holiday traipsing around for oil and moisturisers

Me: fine

Mum: It’s ok, so I’ll post you this list then?

Me: Give the list to sis and she can email it to me.

Mum: I’ll just post it to you, I don’t want to be a bother…

[and so on]